The Burden of Guilt and Growth

I would give anything to be focused on technology upgrades in my school district, professional learning badging systems or the student hackathon that starts in 10 days.

Part of me feels guilty that I am unapologetically not focused on work. (No emails until Monday)

I feel like trauma has been a daily occurrence but I even feel guilty for feeling this because my loved ones are safe. I’m not burying my son or brother. I didn’t lose a loved one last night like many Dallas area law enforcement families did, including a family that I know.

For a moment this morning, I was taken aback when someone tweeted that I was a “hypocrite” for calling last night’s murders evil and senseless. They were. And yet, I still felt some responsibility for a man that I did not know…one who thought that murdering police officers was the best way to advance the movement for change. It wasn’t.

…and for a moment, I forgot about Alton Sterling and Philado Castile. For this, I feel most guilty.

Ohhh, to be a black woman

…one raised to behold all emotions, wins and losses of blackness. One of us is too often all of us. This is real and no one captured this emotion better than this blog by @sonofbaldwin. Reading this gave me so much life and hope.

Then, I saw this video by our local sportscaster, Dale Hansen. It is everything that I felt and more.

What Now?

For starters, I’m sure that I will have to get my mind back on work but first I need to make sure that I’m ok. Self care matters. I recognize that and am thankful for little reminders like Chris Lehmann‘s tweet. (I’ve now seen every episode of Games of Thrones, which in hindsight is probably no better)

There is so much work to do…so much to make sure that our systems are created for us and not against us. For now, I’ll be spending the next few days learning to embrace my humanity again and recognizing which burdens are mine to bear and which ones are not.

You can watch the trauma…the pornographic replaying of death…or you can build on your piece of the puzzle that can impact it.

What can I do every day in my work to make sure that the inequities that exist too often in law enforcement don’t also exist in our classrooms? If you think that they do not, you should probably look again through a new set of eyes.

What can I do to help a student find information and understanding as they too struggle with figuring out where they may have impact or advocate for their own communities and future rights?

I’m not sure if I can ever simply focus on apps, tools and such but I have a feeling that this isn’t a terrible place to grow.

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